Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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