Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
