Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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