Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
