How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
