Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
