i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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