You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
