I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
