You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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