You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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