I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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