Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
