your parents love me but you hate me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oh god it's open bar.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
