You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
