dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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