I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
