Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
