just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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