I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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