rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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