there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
