Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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