3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I am naked and annoyed.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
