you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
