She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize