She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
