I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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