so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
