I cannot find my penis.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
