I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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