I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
