Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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