My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
should my penis look like a turkey
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
