she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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