i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
