I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's blow job season.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
