look no pants
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
