I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
