I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
