i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
