Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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