dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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