after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
