His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My first STD was from a foam party
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
