Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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