She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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