i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
