My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
