it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
