My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
