My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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