omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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