he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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