How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
