btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
